I wish I could teleport
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
