I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
