my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
