I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
