My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
