Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You left your phone here
Wait...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize