i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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