you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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