You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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