she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
