oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Randomize