wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
