I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
