Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
