The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
This can only be settled by a dance off.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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