So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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