You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I bet he comes in French.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
