Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
