I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
