If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
