Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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