my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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