I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
