sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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