I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just invented taco cereal.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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