I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
he had hair everywhere except his balls
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
