apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
