Can i not drive my cunt home
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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