I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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