Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Randomize
