Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
