physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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