No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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