I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
