he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
