I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize