I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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