listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
FUCK WHALES
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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