Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
