I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
