There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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