the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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