i may or may not be watching the land before time
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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