Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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