When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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