It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
