my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
