2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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