If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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