I smell stomach acid.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
