I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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