when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
