i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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