i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
