I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
