Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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