Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
